The Best

5. The Hitcher

This 2007 update of the 1986 original plays out more like an action horror, but there’s some great stuff in here. The movie doesn’t take too long to get to the point of the movie and Sean Bean is pretty menacing as the hitchhiker, John Ryder. The usual mayhem ensues with murder and torment being left behind Ryder’s trail and there’s a pretty tense scene involving a big rig and a tied up character. The film’s high point though, is the chase scene set to Nine Inch Nails’ “Closer”, six minutes of pure adrenaline.

4. Willard

Crispin Glover is at his creepy best playing the titular character in this ‘re-imagining’ of the 1971 film.Willard is a lonely man sharing a mansion with his mother and a nest of rats, which he befriends and uses to exact his revenge against his tormenting boss. That’s when the fun really starts. More suspenseful than frightening, Willard is that quiet strange little horror film that evokes a chill through suspense instead of blood and guts. Make sure to check out the elevator scene.

3. The Hills Have Eyes

While Wes Craven’s 1977 version was graphic and violent on its own, the 2006 remake takes things a step farther. Brutal and disturbing are just two words to describe this story of a family targeted by a group of mutants when their car breaks down in the middle of the desert. Although the attacks on the family are vicious, the retribution from the survivors at the end is well deserved. Not recommended for the faint of heart or for those easily offended.

2. Dawn of the Dead

So what if the zombies in this remake can run? All it does is intensify the situation the survivors are in when they become stranded in the mall. Like the 1979 original, this remake dishes out the gore goods – unlike the original, the tension is heavier and the threat seems much more severe than before. Look out for cameos from a few of actors of the original.

1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

The 1974 version is a classic horror film and perhaps shouldn’t have been touched. Well, it was and now a new audience has been introduced to Leatherface and his clan. The brutality seems to remain but it feels much worse than before. The infamous sledgehammer scene is present but set up in a different way that lingers with you after the scene is over. And don’t get me started with the painful demise of the Morgan character; nobody should ever have to go out that way. This one is intense.

And now for the worst…

The Worst

5. The Ring

Yes, I’m in the minority when it comes to this film. Despite the memorable opening scene, the movie just doesn’t do much for me afterwards. It becomes a convoluted mess of evil girls, wells, videotapes and mental institutions. Perhaps it could be that the Americanized version of the Japanese film, takes away the intrigue of the story for me. I felt the same way about The Grudge so maybe that might be it.

4. Halloween

If I sound like I’m complaining, I apologize in advance. Let me start off by saying that I respect Rob Zombie and the films he’s made, when I heard he was ‘reimagining’ John Carpenter’s 1978 classic film, I was pretty excited. Instead of something new, we get more of the usual Zombie film making: trashy, profanity-filled and graphically violent. Now, the idea of going into Michael Myer’s childhood was an interesting idea, it was tarnished by the notion that he came from a trailer trash upbringing. What made the original such an amazing movie was the suspense, this aura of paranoia and a sense of real fear – what we get here is a Jason movie disguised as a Michael Myers movie. Michael Myers is no lumbering madman; he’s the ‘boogeyman’ – the shape of evil. If I wanted to watch a Jason movie, well then I’d throw on a Friday the 13th film. I guess you can say I’m somewhat biased with the original film.

3. Black Christmas

Like Rob Zombie’s Halloween, this remake takes what made the original so great and warps it out to something as clichéd as what the genre is usually ridiculed for. While the 1974 original was wonderfully suspenseful and paced, we’re treated to the lovely coeds (Lacey Chabert and Mary Elizabeth Winstead being just two of them) sitting around for about an hour or so until they become systematically knocked off within a ten minute timeframe, no joke. Throw in a silly mom/son incest back story and you have a yuletide film worth showing the entire family. Not really.

2. When A Stranger Calls

The opening scene in the 1979 original is regarded as one of the scariest scenes in horror film history. Unfortunately, this remake does not come anywhere close to that territory. Not even the adorable Camilla Belle or the menacing Thomas Flanagan can do anything to save this film. What we get is the babysitter getting harassing phone calls, the reveal that he’s in the house (if I just spoiled it for you, it’s a well known urban legend, look it up) and a chase scene. That’s it.

1. Psycho

Um, how can I put this nicely? Trying to make a shot for shot remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s 1960 seminal classic was a horrible idea. The worse part of the whole thing is that the movie actually has the audacity to sully the original’s good name by adding something that shouldn’t be there during the “Peeping Tom” scene. At least respect the film you’re trying to remake. While I understand that they were trying to update this for the modern generation, sometimes you should just let well enough alone. One last thing, nobody can replace Anthony Perkins as Norman Bates. Vince Vaughn gives it a good try though but Anne Heche taking over for Janet Leigh? Really? They couldn’t find anybody else?

You may commence the skewering, I know it’s coming…